“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Meeeee too!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.