Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
What level of marriage is it when your husband yells at the dog & uses your name 🤔
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting?
I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs
But it’s all gone to shit now
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.