*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.


“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.


What level of marriage is it when your husband yells at the dog & uses your name 🤔


Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.


I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now


Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt


if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank



We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.