@Rollmaninoz

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

You Might Also Like

@joci2203

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

@lmwortho

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

@ok_one_more

What level of marriage is it when your husband yells at the dog & uses your name 🤔

@mlinhart

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

@pilau

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.