Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.


Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.


I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.


kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch


Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.


Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!