Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Kidney stones? Hard pass
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
spicy snake
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”