Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

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5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.


Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“


What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”

Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”

No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”


Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.


Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.


OK it’s like sure, I’ve MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It’s not like I’m a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially.


Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.


The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.