Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
You Might Also Like
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!