“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.