Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?