Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

🥃

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

How to properly lift a body

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?