NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
This could be us but you eatin’
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one