@DSA_Eugene

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

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@stephenjmolloy

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@bromanconsul

a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend

@Love_bug1016

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

@LittleMissAngr1

[Interrogation]

Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.

Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.

Britney: My loneliness is killing me.

Good cop: But did you kill him?

Britney: And I, I must confess.

Good cop: Here we go

Britney: I still believe

Bad cop: Jesus Christ

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice