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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”