Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.