@BuckyIsotope

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

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@WheelTod

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

@KattieCO_H

“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@StoneAgeRadio13

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

@kumailn

5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.