Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.


“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet


Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”


*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*


“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.


[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.


5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.