“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”nLike that’s gonna stop me!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!