[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.


If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.


Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.


Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.


Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight


Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.


Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”nLike that’s gonna stop me!


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.


Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!