@rad_milk

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

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@Carbosly

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

@1CleverGirl1

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

@thenatewolf

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@jakob_huber

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

@brettryland

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

@reesespiece_

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”nLike that’s gonna stop me!

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@DBStoner

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

@JessG828

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!