[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
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*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do