Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting