We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@offbeatoliv: Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
@1followernodad: Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
@see_more13: At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: ... ʸᵉᵖ
@TheMichaelRock: All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I'm in HR's office.
Thanks a lot, Megan!
@TheLastPeg: She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*