Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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So, can we agree on 4 or
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
This is a whole mood;
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome