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@offbeatoliv: Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
@: Thrilled I bought a 55" screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4" screen.
@audipenny: [speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
@liv_thatsme: Holy shit, I thought my stepmother showed up at my house dressed as Pennywise, but THANK GOD, it was just him.
@joeyfullystated: Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
@Chumpstring: me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
me: will you punch a house