@Tommytoughstuff

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

You Might Also Like

@mattgallo123

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@ColoradoUgly

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@HousewifeOfHell

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

@GrantTanaka

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

@AdamOfEarth

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.