People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.