My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
You Had One Job!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I’m no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world’s energy woes.
OFFICER: are u reformed?
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied