nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Effort made
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Nice try Hitler
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You can’t outrun your problems…
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes