Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it