@QwertyJones3

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

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@DanMentos

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@BigHeb7

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@thingsbydan

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.