NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Best courtroom exchange ever.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.