@Brampersandon_

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

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@aotakeo

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

@NeinQuarterly

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@DaveSirus

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

@robynpalmer1

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

@_ElvishPresley_

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@NurseMurderer

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

@kibblesmith

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.