NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do