NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

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I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?


“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)


Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.


I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.


Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband


DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth


You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.


Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead


Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.