@Sickayduh

NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05

You Might Also Like

@evecullen610

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

@Kimpulses

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@ginnyhogan_

I want to date someone funny but NOT fun. I want him to make dark, witty jokes under his breath while sitting miserably in the corner of a party.

@sixfootcandy

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@simoncholland

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

@alexlumaga

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

@TashyP_

Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.