Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me

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It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.


{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate


dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone


a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it


Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*


Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.


Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.


{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem


“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets


Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much