@DaddyJew

Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me

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@CauseWereGuys

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.

@shesananteater

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

@Fickle_Filly

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

@daniel_shaw

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

@CandyEmpires

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@Dustinkcouch

pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar

employee: yes there is

pixar ceo: no there isn’t

employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*

pixar ceo: Oh my god.

employee: yea-

pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink