I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?
Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
LET HIM FIGHT YOU COWARDS
Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar
employee: yes there is
pixar ceo: no there isn’t
employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*
pixar ceo: Oh my god.
pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*
this is why I drink