Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
You Might Also Like
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I put the h in mysterious.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.