nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.