nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better


The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger


me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
wife: wtf just happened


Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel


Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know


5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.


I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin


me: great news! I passed the exam!

proctologist: that still doesn’t explain why you ate it