*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
me: great news! I passed the exam!
proctologist: that still doesn’t explain why you ate it