Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
You sneezed 20 times in a row, I think your brain wants out
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
*illegally downloads a social life*
If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
Doctor: You’re sick
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough