@clichedout

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

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@liv_thatsme

Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.

@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

@murrman5

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

@MrT1M

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@farleftcoast

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.