Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.