nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
m’lady
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’