nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)