Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
You Might Also Like
Natural selection at its finest
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My support group can outdrink your support group.