Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
that’s really how it is
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag