nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.