nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I feel this so hard
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.