nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.