nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Just a phase…
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
i wish we could shoplift online
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.