Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…