nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I am, perchance