Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.