Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin
BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.