@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.

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@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

@QwertyJones3

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

@AnOrangeSNES

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

@SteveSuckington

ME: will it hurt?

DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?

ME: omg no!

DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

@MsSkarsgaard

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose

@stephenjmolloy

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.