I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
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Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Does your wife know you’re single?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.