CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?
Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car