@Maddy_ubert

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

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@captainkalvis

CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

@squirrel74wkgn

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

@Dr_powpow

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.

@stuckinaportal

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

@ClichedOut

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

@ndiquote

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@seancehat

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car