@MatCro

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

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@OzKamal

“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room

@NicestHippo

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@otterwrangler

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@sweatyhairy

when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish

@blonde_sandiego

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

@EliiHenry

*Open up, police!!*

“NO YOU’RE GONNA YELL AT ME.”

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@whatmaddness

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff