NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

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“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room


[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”


Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.


Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!


when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish


It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.


*Open up, police!!*



If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.


[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff