NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat