Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
True
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.