Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.

Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?

[from my stomach] I’m right here

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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys


Mary Lincoln: we’re going to that play tonight, and that’s final!

Abe Lincoln: ugh… how can this day get any worse?


ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.


If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox


doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.


If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.


Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.


Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.