*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Has there ever been a more American story?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me sliding into hell like
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH