arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.
Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?
[from my stomach] I’m right here
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Mary Lincoln: we’re going to that play tonight, and that’s final!
Abe Lincoln: ugh… how can this day get any worse?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
doctor: you need to eat healthy
doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.
If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.