Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
so this horse walks into a bar
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I’m having an out of money experience.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.