People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
ME: I love you
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.
If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.