Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

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“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”


“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”


Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?


ME: I love you


ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order


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If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.


Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
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Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.