@notacroc

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

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@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

@PaperWash

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

@michaelianblack

I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated

@R_2_PEE_2

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.