The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.