Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

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*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color


[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?


Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.

I hate walking into spiderwebs…


Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one


ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..


Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.


While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.


WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon


The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.


My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.