@UncleBob56

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

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@briangaar

*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color

@dyldonot

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

@qwertying

Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.

I hate walking into spiderwebs…

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

@CauseWereGuys

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.

@mommajessiec

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

@lloydrang

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.