Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song