Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.