In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
A seahorse walks into a bar and dies immediately.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds