I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Yes my dude
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall