[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
[screaming and mass hysteria]
Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Me: I thought you said BYO bees
Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I laughed way too hard at this 😂
Me: Are these your kids?
She’s cheating on you..
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate