Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
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me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
barbara was highly relatable
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?