restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
you stereotypes are all alike
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do