Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise